Intimacy Issues

New Orleans has it's own mantra: Sex and Jazz, Sex and Jazz, Sex and Jazz and Liquor.

You hear it as you walk down the street, pound the pavement to: Sex and Jazz ---- and Liquor.

You see it in the signs:
"Cabaret"
"Barely Legal"
"Hustler"
"Live Jazz"
"Cajun Music"
"Free Shots"

I call them Bourbon Street boyfriends - the guys that stroke your ego, buy your drinks, sometimes cop a feel, steal a kiss, bring you home (or at least try). The level of intimacy each of them brings varies on my mood. But it's so easy - men are so easy - especially when they are on vacation. This isn't the real world - all the bachelor parties and "what happens in NOLA...." and the crazy nights ow-ow-ow-OUT - none of those are of the real world. It's just fun. And a good chance for reveling in your singlehood.

None of them mean anything. Owe me anything. Expect (or, have the right to expect) anything from me in return. There are no promises or plans. Often, no exchange of last names. A few times a number, but never a guarantee of a call. There is so much you just don't need to know about someone when you're out.

But then, there is this guy. Honestly, he caught my eye because his mouth reminded me of a former love of mine and I was curious if he was going to be as good of a kisser (shhhh he doesn't know that). The fact that I still don't know if he is a good kisser or not, is driving me crazy.

He's older, wiser, smoother. He's funny and charming. He is smart. But he's cool.

He plays guitar and sings and writes songs. And he's good.....well, good enough.

And when he told me that he wouldn't give into the temptation to kiss me because we were in such a temporary situation and he didn't want to play with my emotions, I figured he had a girlfriend back home. Not interested in me. I wrote him off.

The next day, he wanted to talk - he wanted to go out. He's asked me out to dinner 5 times - each time I haven't been able to go. He hasn't quit....yet

I'm weary. I've seen the "I'm really just a misunderstood nice guy" act before. I'm not falling for it again.

But we've had these talks. And it's hurting me....because we talk and he is so perceptive and I don't get it.

It would be so easy if we had just gone along with my initial plan: make out like horny teenagers to satiate my curiosity and go our separate ways.

It would be so easy if he had given me his "nice guy talk" and said he didn't want to play with my emotions. I would have known he just wasn't into me.

But he's pursuing. He's seeking. He's working to figure me out. In a subtle and gentle way.

He remembers things - he makes fun of me for being a feminist and knows which buttons to push.

He talks to me about God - but doesn't evangelize.

He seeks this non-physical connection.

Does he not understand that it will be much harder for me to say goodbye to my friend than my make-out buddy?

Does he not get how scary it is to talk to him - and enjoy it! and look forward to it?

He's been in the game longer than me - maybe he just really knows girls that well. Maybe he knows that I'm torn between my fear to trust his sincerity and my fear of being someone who refuses to trust. Maybe he's exploiting that.

Maybe I'm being crazy.

Maybe we'll go out tonight.

Maybe not.