Going postal.....

I stormed out of work today - papers strewn across my desk, anger all over my face.

I've been getting these waves of passionate anger, much as I would assume a pregnant woman gets of nausea when she has morning sickness. They wash over me - sometimes paralyzing me to the point where I wish I was numb, but I am frozen and hurting and pissed off - and sometimes pushing me to run faster and lift heavier weights. I don't mind the surge of energy - the anger-driven adrenelyn rush, but the paralytical anger I have to get rid of.

I'm self-diagnosing: Post-Traumatic-Break-Up-Disorder.

I was right 3 months ago - it's impossible (and a really really bad idea to even try) to be friends post-mortem of a romantic relationship. When I changed my mind and decided to olive-branch out to be friends, I thought I was being mature. I thought I was transcending the traditional petty relationship steps and being a better person. I was in a happy place in my life. I had friends. I was busy. I was feeling good about myself. I was being an idiot. Re-initiating conversation was the worst idea ever!

I completely regret it.

And now here I am, at work and living life apparently holding everything together - going out, laughing, working hard, etc like a sheet of shattered glass holding all the pieces together, just waiting for gravity to shift and all of them to fall apart.

Gravity shifted. Work stress. Moderate, not too high, but high enough. And I pulled up the message that I think may release me from my obligation - the two years left of job stability - the two years left of steady income and health insurance and paid vacation time - the two years left at a place that isn't "so bad" - the two years left in an organization that I sometimes feel is sucking my soul out.

And I started up my former mantra: I want out. I want out. I want out.

So now, my mantra has been called out. The cards are on the table. Deal or no deal? will i put my money where my mouth is and venture into the great uncertainty of the real world, or will i stay in the womb of mediocrity for 2 more years? Do I have the 2 years to waste? Do I have the faith in a future that 6 months ago was certain and right now is completely unwritten?

This is not a decision to make on the fly - or is it? When I moved to mexico for a year, that was a carpe diem type decision.

I guess I could always start by applying to Vet school. If I get into Colorado State I go - if I don't it might be time to go off the grid for awhile, reinvent myself, and never look back on this life.

I'm not scared, because I know I'm going to be fine wherever I go - things always work out for me, in the end.....so far.
HOWEVER, life is pretty cozy for me here and now - so maybe I'd be a fool to let it go.....

Decision made.

peace out.